The Bumbleking Christmas Miracle

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The Bumbleking Christmas Miracle

Postby Lewanut » Wed Dec 21, 2011 4:44 pm

Special thanks to Milox for agreeing to be the town curmudgeon.

'Twas a week before Christmas and at Bumbleking
Everyone wanted to get lots of things
The carolers gathered and sang merry songs
And everyone's wishlists were twenty yards long

The stockings were hung, and the presents were wrapped
And scanned by a mobile phone x-raying app
The smart one had lined their packages with lead
Harder to see through, though you might wind up dead

But the wonder of Christmas, that all had looked towards
Was Santa Hog's coming, to bring loot in hoards
Stuffed stocking and presents and much Christmas cheer
Although Santa Hog hadn't shown up last year

Or the year before, or the year before that
In fact, if you'd kept track his record was scat
He'd never shown up, never left any gifts
In fact, some suggested the Hog was a myth

No man doubted more than the one called Milox
He spoke to the crowds as he stood on a box
He said, “Santa Hog isn't real, you know!
He doesn't bring presents or say ho, ho, ho!”

The people are jeered, but inside they were sad
If Santa Hog's fake, well, that just was too bad
So Lewanut picked up a box of his own
And told Milox, “You leave Santa Hog alone!”

“He'll be here!” the loon said, adjusting his mask
“And when he shows up, then you'll get to ask
Why there are no gifts from the Hog 'neath the tree
And he'll give an answer, he'll be here, you'll see!”

And so Christmas eve, at seven fifty-eight
Milox and Lewanut stood there in wait
Milox checked his watch, but his watch wasn't there
And Lewanut whistled beneath the night air

Milox asked “Did you take-” but soon was cut off
By footsteps approaching, a voice, and a cough
“Ho, ho, ho,” the voice said, sneezing on his sleeve
“Happy Holidays! And a merry Christmas eve!”

Yes, Santa Hog came, and was finally here
But hark! Soon another Santa Hog drew near
Another, another, and yet others more
The town square had Santa Hogs there by the score!

Milox shook his head, and yanked down a fake beard
And said, “Look at this! Now, is that not weird?
Who knew Santa Hog looked so much like Blue Blur?
And who knew that there are twenty Santa Hogs more?”

Walking to another, Milox looked quite ticked
“This ain't Saint Sonick! This is Swifty McQuick!
And next to him's Ruisu, I see that quite clear”
Then pointing, Milox said, “And what have we here?”

Said Milox, “This jolly old elf is a fraud!
It's not Santa Hog! It's just Penguin God!
And you!” He gestured as he made his decree
“You're obviously just a costumed LBD!”

“Werekitty! And Scruffy! And Crimson Knight, too!
Santa Hog facsimiles out the wazoo!
Do you think me silly? Or easily fooled?
Well, better get ready, you're gonna get schooled!”

“If Santa Hog's real, why won't he leave gifts?
Does he sleep on the job, or has he skipped his shift?
Or maybe,” Milox said, a smile in his eyes,
“He simply refuses to give to you guys!”

The Santa Hogs gasped as Milox soldiered on
“Just maybe Santa Hog's deceased, dead and gone!
Or he's on vacation! A cruise that's set sail!
Or maybe he's locked in the Tri-County jail!”

“Excuse me,” breathed an obese man dressed in red
“I'm late, so I haven't heard all that you said,
But let me explain why I've been gone so long
And why all you people have Santa Hog wrong.”

“It's not that I don't want to give you all toys,
Or fill holidays with thanksgiving and joy,
But there's so much hurting and need on this sphere ,
That Santa Hog has re-prioritized here.”

“So instead of doo-dads and trinkets and things,
And gizmos that talk when you pull on a string,
My elves produce food, for the hungry to feed,
Medicine and clothing for all those in need.”

“So those of you here, please do not jeer or scoff,
Remind yourselves that all of you are well off,
You have food, and clothing, and shelter and heat
And internet so you have a place to meet.”

The Bumbleking people all stood and they stared,
Then Blue Blur spoke first, what he said was “Hear, hear!
Santa Hog is right!” And the people agreed
Then Werekitty said, “Let's help with those in need!”

As everyone thought of those down on their luck
Santa Hog told Lewanut, “That's fifty bucks.”
And Lewanut gave him the money, right there
And then Milox noticed his wallet was bare

Then Santa Hog smoked a big smelly cigar
And said a bad word as he got in his car
And went in reverse and ran over the tree
And drove off to Vegas to spend his money

Said Lewanut, “Now Milox, do you believe?
We've seen with our eyes, on this fine Christmas eve!
Now let us rejoice! Let there be Christmas cheer!
Merry Christmas to all! And a Happy New Year!”

And Milox just sat there, thinking for a bit
And told Lewanut, “You're a dang idiot.”

DeviantArt version.

Veggie Burgers,
Lewanut
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Re: The Bumbleking Christmas Miracle

Postby TheFatPanda » Wed Dec 21, 2011 4:56 pm

(hearty laughter) that was amazing.
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Re: The Bumbleking Christmas Miracle

Postby Swifty Mc Quickness » Wed Dec 21, 2011 5:06 pm

That's.... Brilliant. You're channeling Dr. Seuss, here. I applaud you on your skills of rhyming and storytelling.
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Re: The Bumbleking Christmas Miracle

Postby Crimson Knight » Wed Dec 21, 2011 5:10 pm

(hearty laughter) Lewanut, you're a genius. A mad genius. This is...this is...There are just no words to describe this. I loved this. So, so much. You, sir, are awesome. :D
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Re: The Bumbleking Christmas Miracle

Postby Hermoso » Wed Dec 21, 2011 5:41 pm

XD That was amazing!
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Re: The Bumbleking Christmas Miracle

Postby SallyGirl » Wed Dec 21, 2011 6:41 pm

Awesome poem, Lewanut. 8)
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Re: The Bumbleking Christmas Miracle

Postby BigIslandYU2 » Wed Dec 21, 2011 7:31 pm

It's all clear to me now. The tobacco industry still exists becase Santa Hog smokes...
*torched*

Beautiful, Lewanut, absolutely beautiful! We need more of this clean, insanely brilliant satire in the world.
And more traditional poetry!
A job well done!
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Re: The Bumbleking Christmas Miracle

Postby Peircefer » Wed Dec 21, 2011 11:13 pm

I commented on it on DA, but I'll still say "AMAZING!!!" here too.
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Re: The Bumbleking Christmas Miracle

Postby Milox » Thu Dec 22, 2011 1:23 am

Image
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Re: The Bumbleking Christmas Miracle

Postby Werekitty119 » Thu Dec 22, 2011 4:59 am

...Lewanut, why do I suddenly think you got ripped off by Dr. Eggman?

Great story, by the way. I'm trying not to laugh too hard and therefore annoy my mother so I can read this again! :(hearty laughter):
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Re: The Bumbleking Christmas Miracle

Postby BlueBlur » Thu Dec 22, 2011 10:01 am

I got two lines! :D

Great story, Lewanut! You have a great future as a writer (of poems, at least).
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Re: The Bumbleking Christmas Miracle

Postby Lewanut » Thu Dec 22, 2011 8:37 pm

Thank you all for the compliments, guys... I'm flattered. Just remember that if you have a DeviantArt account, this poem's posted there for your favoriting needs. (Shameless plug #1138.)

Swifty Mc Quickness wrote:You're channeling Dr. Seuss, here.


I really hope you meant that it seems like it's inspired by Seuss, and not Seuss-level quality. Because that would just be hyperbole. Seuss was the master, and I could never be Seuss.

Crimson Knight wrote:Lewanut, you're a genius. A mad genius.


That's pretty much how I view myself... thanks.

Werekitty119 wrote:...Lewanut, why do I suddenly think you got ripped off by Dr. Eggman?


The "his" in "his wallet" was meant to refer to Milox. Lewanut in this story seems to have sticky fingers...

BlueBlur wrote:I got two lines! :D


I got a rock.

BlueBlur wrote:Great story, Lewanut! You have a great future as a writer (of poems, at least).


This may be the most sincere backhanded compliment I've ever received. My prose will now cry itself to sleep.

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Re: The Bumbleking Christmas Miracle

Postby Werekitty119 » Thu Dec 22, 2011 9:06 pm

Lewanut wrote:
Werekitty119 wrote:...Lewanut, why do I suddenly think you got ripped off by Dr. Eggman?


The "his" in "his wallet" was meant to refer to Milox. Lewanut in this story seems to have sticky fingers...


In that case, why do I think you got ripped off by Dr. Eggman, with Milox's money, therefore leading to you not losing anything but Milox losing his $50 for no real reason?


Lewanut wrote:
BlueBlur wrote:I got two lines! :D


I got a rock.


Do I spy a Sonic Eggs reference there?


Lewanut wrote:
BlueBlur wrote:Great story, Lewanut! You have a great future as a writer (of poems, at least).


This may be the most sincere backhanded compliment I've ever received. My prose will now cry itself to sleep.


Hey, I pick what I fave and don't fave. I'm fairly sure your stories make up a quarter of my favorites bar thing.
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Re: The Bumbleking Christmas Miracle

Postby Lewanut » Thu Dec 22, 2011 9:42 pm

Werekitty119 wrote:
Lewanut wrote:
BlueBlur wrote:I got two lines! :D


I got a rock.


Do I spy a Sonic Eggs reference there?


It's a reference to It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. If the line's used in Sonic Eggs, it probably just means Shigamodo was referencing Charlie Brown, too. I don't read Sonic Eggs, though, so I wouldn't know.

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Re: The Bumbleking Christmas Miracle

Postby Werekitty119 » Thu Dec 22, 2011 9:59 pm

Lewanut wrote:
Werekitty119 wrote:
Lewanut wrote:
BlueBlur wrote:I got two lines! :D


I got a rock.


Do I spy a Sonic Eggs reference there?


It's a reference to It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. If the line's used in Sonic Eggs, it probably just means Shigamodo was referencing Charlie Brown, too. I don't read Sonic Eggs, though, so I wouldn't know.

Veggie Burgers,
Lewanut


Ah. Knuckles' use of the line was quite funny, though.
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